Picture this: a winter night, along with hail and temperatures way below zero. After a party he asked her to sit with him for a little while, even though it was 4 a.m; it did not matter to him. As he saw her hesitant smile he added: ‘it is just hanging out, nothing else’. Somehow his words reassured her and made her say yes. He told her he was taking her to one of his favorite places in the city, where he often sat to think. Along the banks of the river, they sat on a bench, their teeth clattering from the cold, but it was okay. He offered her his headphones to at least keep her ears warm, an adorable and thoughtful gesture coming from this big, tough guy who turned out to be so kind once you got to know him.
After chatting for a while, he asked her a question. The exact words she could not remember, but the answer he was expecting was one she could not even provide that easily. He had asked her to define herself, as a person. Such a seemingly simple question got her mind working over-hours and left her wondering if she was supposed to know this. Was she expected to have her answer ready just like that? True, she never had any trouble answering any other questions quick, whitty and smart, but this was different.
She sat there for some time, thinking. Meanwhile a boat passed by, making waves in the water, turning the river into somewhat of an ocean for just a little while. Finally, she explained to him who she had been, who she could be and who people thought she was.
Silently she was hoping that he did not notice that the true answer to his question had never come.
donderdag 7 februari 2013
zondag 3 februari 2013
A while ago
Silently falling, the last leaves from the trees. Autumn has done its job, now it is time for the winter, in all its dashing white glory, to arrive in this country. This country where everyone complains about the cold in the winter, the heat in the summer and the rain in spring and fall. This is the land of the indecisive people that never seem to quite wrap their minds around how to behave out in the open. Skirts and tops that are way too revealing, or double jumpers and long underwear that make people sweat in public, everything is possible here.
In this world of seemingly available possibilities though, I am stuck. Stuck because I do not know where to go next. Where else will I be able to find a home as warm and comforting as I have right now, right here? It will be an absolute challenge to find something quite like this. But is that even what I want? Something similar? Similar things will bring similar problems and similar bores. To be honest, I do not think I can handle this kind of boredom again. Of course, it will also bring similar joys. However, maybe it is the point to find joy in other things, in other situations, where I am not yet used to everything. It will be challenging, it will be hard at times, and it will be disappointing at times, I am fairly certain of that. Finding happiness in a new surrounding and in a new setting will give me a more fulfilled feeling, a feeling of an actual achievement even. At least, that is what I hope.
And then, after a while, there will be the day that I return to this country and all of a sudden I will see how small my world had been before I left. It will probably strike me how simple life had been thus far, in this country where people are brutally honest about strangers, but painfully silent about people they know. Where and when I will start this new experience is something that is hard to say. I will have to arrange it, though; I cannot just let it come, because it simply will not just come. Cautious planning and careful thinking will get me there, but most important of all: my motivation. My motivation will get me wherever I want to go.
In this world of seemingly available possibilities though, I am stuck. Stuck because I do not know where to go next. Where else will I be able to find a home as warm and comforting as I have right now, right here? It will be an absolute challenge to find something quite like this. But is that even what I want? Something similar? Similar things will bring similar problems and similar bores. To be honest, I do not think I can handle this kind of boredom again. Of course, it will also bring similar joys. However, maybe it is the point to find joy in other things, in other situations, where I am not yet used to everything. It will be challenging, it will be hard at times, and it will be disappointing at times, I am fairly certain of that. Finding happiness in a new surrounding and in a new setting will give me a more fulfilled feeling, a feeling of an actual achievement even. At least, that is what I hope.
And then, after a while, there will be the day that I return to this country and all of a sudden I will see how small my world had been before I left. It will probably strike me how simple life had been thus far, in this country where people are brutally honest about strangers, but painfully silent about people they know. Where and when I will start this new experience is something that is hard to say. I will have to arrange it, though; I cannot just let it come, because it simply will not just come. Cautious planning and careful thinking will get me there, but most important of all: my motivation. My motivation will get me wherever I want to go.
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